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Posts Tagged ‘New Year Goals’

People laugh at me because I am very predictable. In many ways, at least. Every year, I make innumerable New Year’s Goals. Every month, week, sometimes by the day, I write schedules and lists. I have made menus since I was 15 or younger. I schedule out my life as much as possible. I pursue every single interest – but rarely until it is mastered because the next thing grabs my attention and I move on. Oh, yes, there are people who laugh at me. Not cruelly, but . . . accommodatingly . . . almost patronizingly. They know it is me – it is what I do. I am a Type A.  I live off schedules, I try the next fad to lose weight, I make goals, I . . . well, you get the idea. It always hurts a little bit whenever I sense that laughter in someone’s tone. The underlying, She’s at it again, when I discuss my New Year’s Goals or the multitude of checklists I’ve made in an attempt to FINALLY reach them. The amused shake of the head as I buy another notebook, another self-help book. It always hurts – just a little, strikes at some place deep down inside that I then bury so I can laugh along with them – often even cracking my own jokes at myself for trying that next thing, that next attempt to master life. All the while, wondering inside just how much of a failure I am for always, always trying, and rarely succeeding.

But. When I allow myself a moment of Grace. When I step back and look at all my frail attempts at – everything. And most especially when I read L.M. Montgomery’s Emily books, I know exactly why. It’s because of this:

I italicize the last verse because that in particular makes something in me swell up. With tears, and hope, and desperation, and ambition, and . . . understanding. Someone somewhere understands.

Don’t get me wrong. I don’t actually care if I get “fame” – it’s more the writing my name with true and honored fame. And I don’t care if it’s on earth or heaven – it just means that . . . I’ve climbed that path. I reached that goal. I’ve succeeded.

At what, you might ask? Well, at life. There is so much life everywhere. It’s why I try so hard to do everything. Because I might miss out on something otherwise. Music makes my heart fill up, so I try to learn music. Stars make me remember the glory of God, so I attempt to learn constellations. Miniatures bring me sweet memories and gladness, so I finger them in passing, thinking about how someday I will collect and even make miniatures. Dolls remind me of dress-up and dreams, so I collect them. And writing. Well. Writing makes me feel like I can live a thousand lifetimes, and experience all the world, and bring someone else that thrill of joy and hope and escape, and it makes me feel like it’s the only time in my entire life I can say things the right way. And, yes, I realize there isn’t a syllable there about glorifying God – but – the thing is, I almost feel like ALL of that is glorifying God. Every piece of that joy and experience and heavenliness makes me look up and say “God’s in His heaven, all’s right with the world” along with Anne of Green Gables and Robert Browning.  When I write, when I ask God to guide my pen, when I legitimately try – I feel the pleasure of God. I feel a rare peace fill my soul.

I guess I just want to do my utmost to live the life God has given me to its fullest and the only way I can see to do that is by checklists and schedules, and trying new things, and always trying – even when I don’t succeed. Even when others look on in amusement.

I’m not saying I have done things right. I’m not saying that I’m not a failure for having never succeeded at any of my hobbies. But I am saying that . . . I know why I keep trying. And that, I think someday I will succeed. That God is working with me on the staying part of trying, and someday it will happen. Even that, in some sense, I am succeeding just because I am trying. But until then, and even through then, I’m going to keep climbing the Alpine Path.

Gentiana 'Shot Silk', Gentian, blue flowers

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I’ve been intending to do a New Year’s Post and I still intend to – but I have this super detailed plan I want to complete before I discuss it, so this is just a hold-over post to note what’s been up.

  1. I was sick through New Years and it was almost more stressing to me that I didn’t have the mental capacity to create my New Year’s goals prior to the year starting. This is still an element of stress in my life, which makes me think I need to reassess my priorities since I feel like I can’t “start” my New Year’s goals until they ARE carefully plotted out. I even had to convince my psyche that it was okay to take time and kneel down and pray before I had “officially” noted my goals for praying this year. I have major issues.
  2. We have officially started the moving process. I felt well enough last weekend to scrub about three quarters of the kitchen, and hope to get much, much further this weekend. But I also have a church event, a dentist appointment (to get another crown), and my goals to finish! Yes, this goals thing is really stressing me out. Speaking of which, Daniel and I are also taking a few hours on Sunday to go through our 10-year plan progress and financial goals and reassess our budget after buying a house. That will be fun. Assuming I’ve finished my New Year’s goals and therefore am not secretly thinking about those instead.
  3. I’ve been having work issues. As I think I may have mentioned before. Currently they are looking at moving us all to shift work. And by looking at, I mean they are. We have a pilot on Monday. On the bright side, they are not going to force me into “second” or “third” shift, AND I have high hopes this means no more on-call. However. This also means the end of any flexible hours, and I suspect, the end of telework days, though that has not been confirmed. So, I have been looking at getting a new job (yes, even more so than for them putting me on-call). But God hasn’t given me any clear guidance on that and I’m trying to use wisdom. I did have a thought the other day though. I was talking to God about how much I hate going into work, and how I know I am far too ungrateful about this amazingly well-paid job He gave me and asked Him to please help me with an attitude adjustment. Now, this isn’t anything new. I’ve talked to Him about it before. Thought about it before. Known quite well my fleshly issues in this regard. But this was interesting because, the thought flashed through my head, “You have figured out how little you have to do in your job to still do your job. Why don’t you figure out how MUCH you can do?” I thought that was actually a pretty cool way to look at it. So I’ve been attempting that the last few days at work, and, not saying it’s going to last, but so far I’ve been much happier mentally, even if I don’t have time to do everything I actually want to. I mean, all these analysis items have been occurring to me that I could work on, thereby furthering my experience and expertise AND having fun doing it – And I haven’t been able to yet because I am doing three jobs because both my coworkers are out, but just the attempt to do AS MUCH as I can at work instead of AS LITTLE has, I feel, just helped me feel better about myself as both a person and a Christian. I still think God has plans for me to move on shortly. But until then, I’m going to try and remain grateful for what He has given me and give it my all.

inspirational-quotes-william-james-1562000241

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