Posts Tagged ‘Angst’

First and foremost, for an ever-so-brief update about Ethrill, you can see Once Upon a Story. Yes, I am purposefully directing you there to try and increase foot (view?) traffic in my attempt to get serious about online presence. 😛

It’s been an interesting week – or two. I am back at work. I can’t remember if I mentioned that in my last post or not. This post will be a bit – musing. I guess. I’m in a low spirits, musing kind of mood. So don’t feel like you have to read through the whole thing. Who has time to read someone else’s low spirit musings, right? You probably go through enough on your own!

I actually had a really good weekend. We had one of Daniel’s friends and his wife over for dinner and games – which was actually a lot of fun. And then yesterday we dragged his cousin to church with us and then to a wine tasting, which was also delightful! But then I made the mistake of taking a nap. NEVER LET ME TAKE A NAP WHEN IT IS NEARING DUSK! I woke up quite grumpy, as is usual when I wake up and it isn’t bright daylight and nothing Daniel said or did could bring me out of it.

I was being all over emotional and whiny and upset over absolutely nothing and Daniel was so sweet and solicitous and offering anything he could think of to make me cheerful again. He brought me innumerable drinks, ordered me grilled cheese pizza (which was divine, despite my eating it while still pouting), offered to draw me a bath with salts and candles and wine (which I grumpily refused – shows you how far gone I was), made me smell essential oils, and in general, pleaded with me to tell him what was wrong so he could make it better.

But I couldn’t have told him even if I wanted to. There were so many things swirling around in my head, I couldn’t even grasp it myself. Do you ever get that way? Just down in the dumps for no reason and all reasons at once and every time you think you are going to pull up, something pulls you down even deeper?

To tell the truth, I think it started when, earlier in the day, a reference was made to my turning 30 in a couple months. I am trying so very hard to be okay with it, but I know I’m not, and the circular reasoning in my own soul is driving me crazy. So I think last night was a conglomeration of:

  • getting old;
  • feeling fat (while I ate more stuff to make me fat);
  • being tired of being around people;
  • completely depressed at all the negativity surrounding facebook and the election;
  • seeing no chance to breathe in the season ahead of me and feeling a desperate need to just be alone;
  • not being finished writing Ethrill yet;
  • wanting to just write but being too afraid to do so;
  • not wanting to go to work on Monday (hence – blog post while working!);
  • feeling like I didn’t accomplish any of my goals before I was 30 (you know, touring the world and publishing a book);
  • feeling like I should be more avidly pursuing a “career” – studying Russian, going to classes, trying to get a new job – and really just wanting to win the lottery (which would be hard since I don’t play it) and stay home and write and travel and not worry about a career;
  • feeling like I don’t have any friends to talk to because they are spread around the USA or don’t have time for me;
  • and then, just to top it off, knowing I am being a horrible person because I’m not responding to my husband’s anxious attempts to pull me out of my low spirits.

I feel like there were more thoughts spinning around in my head, but it was hard to tell because I was being so angsty, so this is the best I can do in retrospect. And now I’m depressed because I wasted a perfectly good Sunday evening on being crabby.

It’s a rough life.

So what do you do to pull yourself out of these ruts?


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Counting Blessings

It is a cold, dreary day outside, and I woke with the depressed feeling of knowing it was time to trudge off to work once more, where I can expect at least four emails telling me what I did wrong this time. In case you didn’t notice, I don’t take criticism very well. I know, I know – it is a part of the job, and a part of making a deliverable client-worthy – but, I still feel like an utter failure if I see so much as one red mark on a comma I forgot. Something I am working through with God. Sometimes I can handle it better than other days. And some days – I just feel like if I am given one more correction, I will just melt into the floor and never return. So, as I sit in my little cubicle, and try to get up the courage and energy to get my day started, when all I really want is to curl up in bed with hot chocolate and book and watch the rain drip down the sill, I began, as I usually do in these moods, ruminating on where I am in life, and why I haven’t found a job I actually like going to yet. I do believe there is a job out there for everyone – something you are made to do, that you actually don’t mind going to – but some days, I wonder how you are ever supposed to find that job?

As I often do, when I am feeling down, I was browsing random quotes in hopes of hitting one that would so exactly fit what I was feeling that I would feel better. Well, I hit this one:

motivational inspirational love life quotes sayings poems poetry pic picture photo image friendship famous quotations proverbs

Aaand – felt convicted. I know it is natural to feel down in the dumps sometimes, or to get emotional or restless, or whatever it is I am getting, but, I also know I have so many blessings in my life that I tend to just skip over when I am down. I know that my first reaction should be to go to God in prayer and ask Him to help me through hard days, but I find myself shying away from that – partially, I think, because a tiny part of me likes being angsty. It does make such better posts, doesn’t it? But, that aside, it HAS been a long time since I have looked at all the blessings I have in my life. So, this is me, trying to be joyful even when I am down, and learning to count my blessings even when I am stuck in a little cubicle doing a job I hate.

Five blessings:

1. That I even HAVE a job.

2. That I have a husband who never loses patience with me even when I am moody, and will hold me without making me talk or buy me flowers and chocolates just to make me feel better.

3. That I have an adorable little apartment to go back to every night.

4. That I have money to visit family for the holidays.

5. That I can see the beautiful world around me, including the rain pouring over the countryside, unlike the poor blind man on the metro today, who still seemed kind and cheerful despite that.

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